Day 16: Rest, Reflect, Comment

Ditching the TV yesterday was hilarious! We had a blackout on our block that lastes about three hours! Imagine my surprise to come home and seeing my Villeroy and Boch purple glazed hurricane lamp in use on the kitchen counter, and my old radio with batteries from a beach trip at least two years ago! Funny how certain situations bring long-agos back to the forefront.

What is the most important thing I have learned about myself this week? My ability to be resilient and tenacious, even in the face of extreme hardship, whether physical, mental, work-related or self-sabotage-related! I had surgery last monday, and am still reovering, which means alternately being forced to use my voice and my throat when I am not quite ready to and facing the painful consequences, in addition to learning about my capacity in arears I didn't think I was strong or focused enough to handle.

I have struggled with and am still struggling to find an accountability partner. I really know few people that I would trust with exposing the state of my personal finances with, and has enough self-discipline to teach me the same in a loving and constructive and consistent manner. It makes me sad but also nervous about how to address this void in my life that I know I need help in. Still looking...

My favorite exercise was definitely the ideal life narrative, where I allowed myself to dream, to not self-edit, to run away with myself  "on paper"! It was sometimes only when I actually wrote something down that I was able to identify it as a true desire of mine, something real and probably worth pursuing. Since then I have added more things in my head to that narrative, like recording some songs, writing some lyrics that go beyond my personal publishing, expand my jewelry-making skillsets and even be a part of a music/dance production again! It seems that I am now yearning for a lot of the creative endeavors I envisioned as a child but had to walk away from in following my parents' directive in academic excellence (math, sciences, things that "matter").

I hope that these insights have some validity for others that may come across this post. I am young yet, I know, but I am trying not to hold on to the regrets of "my youth", to make way for the vast expanse of possibility of my future.

Day 11: Dear Lizard Brain...

Whoa this day was made for me!
Nice to know I'm not the only one fighting strange reptiles day in and day out... although that might just be the codeine talking...

Dear Lizard Brain,

What is your deal? You are making me a crazy person with the chorus of "no"!. My prime directive is to sing, teach, to write and to fly, and you insist on rubbing your sluggish scales across me! I am gifted these days of recovery to reflect and to catch up, but you would have me squander this time, fighting the painkiller fog, instead up at the crack of dawn to beat myself into a plan of action. All you want to do is gripe about expense! Dammit, I will sell this shit that is cramping my life, I will find a side gig, or a permanent transition, SO HELP ME!

I felt discouraged when barely anyone showed up to my backyard sale last Saturday, even though I called people, texted, made a facebook event page, even posted on craigslist! But I will do it again. I will not ne bogged down, I will push forward!

I am not going to give you the satisfaction of having me wallow in my stuff, hot and bothered and unfulfilled.

No way, no how!
Day 11: Write a Letter to Your Lizard Brain

Day 6: Write a Personal Mission Statement

What is it about these statements that always makes me feel like a fraud? I try to see around them, to word them another way, to give myself an out in case I don't live up to what I've written down.... but I guess that would defeat the purpose. This new formula says Values + Values in Action = Personal Mission Statement.

Okay, so I kind of have my idea of what the short-term should be, but I always get flustered with the long-term.... how long into the future is long-term? In five years, evern if I want to own my own home and have paid off my credit card bill, does that mean I would have found the job that facilitates that goal? Am I just a perpetual nay-sayer of my own desires in life? Sometimes these questions really paralyze me into non-action! I just don't know which pile to start sorting out, where to start organizing. Should I start and stop or methodically do one thing then move on the the next after its completed? Multitasking is such a load of perfectionist tripe!

Like, how am I supposed to back out of a dead-end job that is my only meager source of income presently, turn my back on the dues for a new organization I got myself inducted into without really understanding the ramifications of, in an industry I don't see myself embracing? Do I have to run with every lead to see where it goes? Can't I just back away slowly from this?? Everyone always says, "well, you never know what connections you will make, blah blah, blah", all I have is a new bill in the mail I can't afford from an Institute that seems to have money-based events, no real help for me in my lowly low-level version of what their industry represents. I'm not even sure I'm living up to my swearing-in pledge when I'm at work!

Breathe....

My Mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find a way to marry my travel and learning interests with teaching and doing. That sounds vague... I strongly believe that education is a force to be reckoned with anywhere in the world, in this country. I don't necessarily know if I am cut out to be one of those selfless angel teachers, but I would like to think that I still have something to offer. I love languages, learning about, interpreting, translating, relaying meaning to others, bridging the foreign with the familiar. I want to be more comfortable with connecting the dots for people, for myself. There are many types of language; legal, academic, political, artistic. I will find one (or more than one) avenue to teach, to navigate and interpret for others.

I am on a mission to find a fulfilling work/life balance, where I can learn to be an interpreter for various languages in fields that uplift, inform and facilitate learning and positive action. I want to be able to be creative and innovative in my work, to the point where it's not even a job any more but something I can identify with. I can't identify with what I do to earn money presently. Administrative may sound safe, but its also binding in its capacity for innovation. I want a box that I can cut out a corner, or fold back and expand with my own wall, or better yet, my own window. I want to brainstorm with people that are ready to go out there and put theory to practice, or at least in the beginning, apprentice with such people that bring a lightness to one's frame of reference. I need to get out from under my debt, and I must challenge my level of comfort to find ways to do that. If I fear teaching to repay debt, I must find out why, and maybe find another way that isn't so jarring to my sense of accomplishment. I will focus on what I can do, what projects I will get involved in and see to the end, not be afraid of what seems to big, to emotionally expensive. I will search for a mentor, and in my search, find myself becoming a mentor.

I will not give up. Day 6: Personal Mission Statement

Day 4: Identify Your Values

Ok. I am up early, raring to go, I even took the time to write in the journal, go to the HBW blog, post my comment and read others! That is a lot before nine a.m.! Somehow I cannot see the fruits of my labor in the comment area, so I will just transcribe from my journal instead...

This list (lists, I LIVE by lists!) will be pared down to the top ten, but I just wrote freely as they came to me.

Being financially solvent, seeing myself, my mother and my sisters out of poverty and debt; travel the world, lessen my Western/American footprint in said world; meaningfulness; LOVE without domination; LOVE with accountability; good relationships/communication with my sisters, father, and (who am I kidding) Mom; healty living; no fear of my own authority and agency; my own home; independence; adventure; quiet solitude when I need/want it; a TRUE MATE; connection to and an understanding with nature; public service; strong friendships; published, successful writing; challengin my physical capacity; educating youth and those in crisis; learning and perfecting/being comfortable with/in another language; teaching English or whatever I can impart to others; own some land; fulfilling work and agendas.

And then, when I was reading other posted comments on HBW blog, two women mentioned sexuality. I was refreshed because a lot of the spirituality/God posts were prominent on the list, but I only noticed two instances of that particular line item. If that is not a stiriking commentary on where "we" place the importance of that aspect of ourselves, then I don't know what else to say.

I was heartened by it though, because I saw in myself how it passed my brain, but I self-edited and decided not to put "that" there. My good friend Sacred invited me to her end-of-year presentation/performance a week ago, and it is still resonating with me the vital connection to spiritual health many need to make in relation to the state of their sexuality. We all have so many issues to roll around with when it comes to with whom, when, how, why, and who else makes love. As I said on my mysteriously invisible comment on HBW, God made our flesh as well as our souls. So what are we then, if we ignore/deny/purge that essence of ourselves? Even the nuns and monks have a place for addressing and assessing their sexuality (or compartmentalization of it), I imagine....

Either way, I was very excited to create another list, and hold myself accountable by putting it in this medium.
Happy Black Woman Day 4: Identify Your Values