Hoisting the Bucket (List)

I have put a lot of thought into this over the years. A decade ago I travelled to Australia to study for three months. I walked in a Tasmanian Heritage Site and imagined myself in the world of Middle Earth. I said I would make it to New Zealand before the next ten years. Hasn't happened yet, but it's up there. I definitely see a lot more travel on my bucket list, for the main fact that my blood was meant to go far. I may never have any biological children, but there is something in me that yearns to know all the places I came from. I want to see China, and maybe trace down my ancestral line there.

Other places to go...
Bali
St. Petersburg via Trans-Siberian Rail
Goa
Hindu Kush
Tibet
South Korea
Singapore
Scotland
Ireland
All the countries of Central and South America
Alaska
Vermont
Quebec City
Vancouver
A desert in a foreign land
South Africa
Morocco
Namibia
Madagascar
Kenya


Things to Do...
Read the Bible
Read the Q'uran
Visit a Buddhist temple
Visit a Hindu temple
Visit a Jewish holy site
Go to a Jewish wedding
Go to a Hindu wedding

Write and record a song
Photography project(s)
Ride a Horse
Build a house
Have a garden or greenhouse (or farm!)
Scuba diving
Publish a memoir, novel, nonfiction, children's books
Revisit my Master's Thesis
Have a positive understanding/relationship with my father
Design clothing
Create and maintain libraries and conservatories
Participate as a board member for a successful mission/organization
Have a charitable fund for young women

This list will expand, I'm sure!

Day 16: Rest, Reflect, Comment

Ditching the TV yesterday was hilarious! We had a blackout on our block that lastes about three hours! Imagine my surprise to come home and seeing my Villeroy and Boch purple glazed hurricane lamp in use on the kitchen counter, and my old radio with batteries from a beach trip at least two years ago! Funny how certain situations bring long-agos back to the forefront.

What is the most important thing I have learned about myself this week? My ability to be resilient and tenacious, even in the face of extreme hardship, whether physical, mental, work-related or self-sabotage-related! I had surgery last monday, and am still reovering, which means alternately being forced to use my voice and my throat when I am not quite ready to and facing the painful consequences, in addition to learning about my capacity in arears I didn't think I was strong or focused enough to handle.

I have struggled with and am still struggling to find an accountability partner. I really know few people that I would trust with exposing the state of my personal finances with, and has enough self-discipline to teach me the same in a loving and constructive and consistent manner. It makes me sad but also nervous about how to address this void in my life that I know I need help in. Still looking...

My favorite exercise was definitely the ideal life narrative, where I allowed myself to dream, to not self-edit, to run away with myself  "on paper"! It was sometimes only when I actually wrote something down that I was able to identify it as a true desire of mine, something real and probably worth pursuing. Since then I have added more things in my head to that narrative, like recording some songs, writing some lyrics that go beyond my personal publishing, expand my jewelry-making skillsets and even be a part of a music/dance production again! It seems that I am now yearning for a lot of the creative endeavors I envisioned as a child but had to walk away from in following my parents' directive in academic excellence (math, sciences, things that "matter").

I hope that these insights have some validity for others that may come across this post. I am young yet, I know, but I am trying not to hold on to the regrets of "my youth", to make way for the vast expanse of possibility of my future.

Day 15: Ditch the TV for 24 hours... Saving My Mom From Herself

Can I get an amen?! Ms. Thurman really knows how to hit the money! Thankfully, I can honestly say that I don't get as caught up with television as, say when I was unemployed for eight months, and last summer on my aunt's couch... the 'rents don't give me a chance to! I have found myself co-watching whatever they are sometimes, but I lose interest after a while and resort to my computer. I am slow on the whole Netflix phenomenon (which has subsequently evolved to Hulu, then Optimum has the unholy audacity to feed couch potatoes with internet-based television.... have mercy on us all!), so there's that... I resist mostly because most of the shows I would really want to keep up with are on HBO or Showtime and cost a lot of money and effort to access, but I do acquiesce to the occasional indulgence. I do like my nature shows, the occasional court drama or BBC/PBS show, and we definitely share this once in a while, but I would much rather be outside biking or traversing the city than sitting in front of a brain drain.

Last week's recovery found me ogling the tv a lot more, but it still gets too boring and I have always been much more of a reader anyway. But my mother is sorely addicted to COURTTV, ID, 48Hours, and their ilk. It's maddening, ever since she upgraded to cable, it's endless television. It is the first thing that turns on after the lights in the morning, and does not shut off as long as she is at home. She will fall asleep with the tv on, the light glaring, the sound low to not disturb my stepfather that turned in at least two hours earlier.

It makes me sad, and angry for her. But how can I tell a 53 yr-old woman what to do? I am not exactly where I want to be in life, having moved back in with them after a failed live-in relationship. I had not lived with my mother for almost seven years when I moved in back in October.... There are soooo many issues to be addressed with how she takes care of herself, but she is still my mother who cares for her adult daughters, no matter what mess they get themselves into. I respect that. She inspires me with her encouragement as well as her personal examples of what not to do, how not to get caught up. I am simultaneously trying to be as good as her and better than her- is this what it means to be a daughter?

As for me, I know I must not let a whole year ( or much more than that) pass before I am independently living again, for my own sanity as well as for her continued peace of mind and personal development therapy. I used to make excuses for why I could not move on or get going because of whatever criticism I harbored in my heart for mom, but maybe I need to show her I can do it, so she can give herself permission to do it as well.

I sent her this challenge in her email this morning, and left a handwritten note on the kitchen counter with as much love and suggestions, and as little admonishment as I could muster. Like the letters she found digging through old stuff in her Bx apartment, I have been writing versions of my observations, fears, frustrations and love to mom for at least two decades and beyond... I wonder if she will keep this one (or at least read and digest it).

As she said this morning, "out of the mouth of babes"...

Happy Black Woman Day 15: Ditching the Boob Tube

Day 14: Redesign Your Day, Designing for Life

So it occurred to me that I could use a little more planning and self-direction in order to pull myself out of the rut I am in. Granted, I know a lot of the things I have to do, I just procrastinate and then wring my hands right up to the minute of reckoning. Obviously not a sustainable way of handling things. Part of it, I know is the inherent panic that wells up when confronting the amount of money I owe various entities, and the sadness of my small paycheck, the feeling of being very stuck and unable to see a constructive solution. It even costs money to save money, apparently!

The day was a bit of a rollercoaster. It was my first day back to worksince my surgery, and I felt determined to not let things stress me out, since I am still on pain meds and am weakened from not being able to eat my regular caloric count. I hit it fast in terms of sticking to my time goals, and started making calls whenever I had a moment. Of course, I have been fighting the urge to just flat out resign since being off this past week. In the beginning of July, I heard a voice in my head that said this Happy Black Woman may just walk away from this deadend gig by the end of the summer if I really succeed with these daily challenges. It's like I know that the only sensible end solution for this journey is to totally face my fear of perpetual unemployment in order to save my creative and innovative soul!

I must really pat myself on the shoulder today. I worked on developing a clearer vision for my objectives, and decided that any time I am online should be in pursuit of order in my life, whether that is through innovative ideas, concentrated job searching or self-education. I may be embarking on my greatest challenge yet- investing with faith.  There is a former schoolmate from my high school major class who is an emerging fashion designer. She just earned a spot in NYC's next Fashion Week in September, and I am determined to be there to document, through journalism, photography and any other way that I can, her rise to recognition. I feel very giddily ambitious about this for some reason. Her fashion style is mesmerizing and refreshing, not only because she develops from a Muslim modesty background, but that it effortlessly transcends just that world and legitimately appeals to a wider audience, with the grace and confidence as it were always just so.  Invigorating! I think I want to be a sponsor for her, which is a daunting task, figuring out how to raise $1500 in two months or less, but I must find a way! 

My resolve to redesign my day starts with getting my ass to bed by 11:30 latest, and getting up by 6:30 or whenever my body says ari:se earlier (like my 5:45 Freaky Friday)! I will also put more effort into planning out my outfits and packing my purse the night before. If possible, I will even put some lunch away tonight. I have found that setting a purpose in my head as I lay down to sleep gives me a kind of dreaming agenda that usually stays with me until the morning, a vital aspect of keeping me on point. I will still allow myself an hour or so of mindless reading or watching, but I will definitely keep that in check with the undercurrent of urgency that I won't let myself deny anymore.

Day 12: My Ideal Life Narrative

In my everyday life I am getting up early and making time to meditate, to center myself and assess what the day's plan will be. I have my clear, organized workstation with my highly functional computer and camera and videorecorder (and portable tablet) ready for their assignments. I look at my calendar of upcoming events to attend and projects to continue or begin and my life is full and rewarding. I see my timeline carefully etched out where I see my financial goals coming together every small step of every day. I have side gigs that allow me to sing and travel with my singing group and grace whatever gathering we are scheduled to perform and interact with. We discuss the theme and intent behind our life's work and inspire others, or make collaboration connections. We may even be featured in a local documentary of college-based arts movement. I am using my ethnographic research skills to have people tell their own stories with me, to effect their pwn realities so others may hear and be informed.

I work on smaller projects instead of a long drawn-out endless repetition leading to no particular goal or resolution. I am in a space that promotes group project work, yet allows for individual innovation and creativity, whether it is brainstorming how to launch an education center in a village and managing the securing of local sponsorship and pride as well as outside influence. I have many pots simmering, not burning, on my innovative stovetop. I am not overwhelmed with searching for opportunities because they appear and connect before my eyes in my everyday interactions with people and events. They light up in colors as beacons on a postboard, saying, "hello, over here, this is you right here!"

I am not afraid of joining a group or committing to a board position where I feel that I have the authority and experience to lend my voice, my concentrated effort in whatever the task or oversight may require. I am writing my books, my poetry, my children's observation series, my family's biography. I am taking small trips to all the edges of the world that define my origins, and cataloguing the huge undertaking that made me who I am today. And publishing it. I have found an acceptable and non-dream-crushing solutin to my school loan debt and repaying or absolving it.

I am working with progressive Guyanese historians, writers and government officials to revamp the country's faltering education systems, providing (or coordinating) consultant services on infrastructure projects aimed at providing access and equal opportunities for all Guyanese and foreign visitors to Guyana, outside of political factions or agendas (a tall feat). I am a forerunner in attracting talent, intellect and people to Guyana for long-term, maybe permanent involvement in a new government, a new economy, a more vibrant and sustainable Guyanese ruling society.

I have a home in my native Guyana that I visit often and manage the land well. I hire a caretaker when I am on a work jaunt. I maintain a home in the United States somewhere, and I am also an active member in the watershed protection programs of New York State, for it is truly one of the most beautiful treasures I have come across, and I do have a strong sense of ownership and its continued health. In the winter I find myself in warmer climates on a development or language project, consulting or building. Sometimes I house-sit for a faraway friend to facilitate a fluid sense of where I belong, as well as a cheaper and more creative way to see other parts beyond.

I have a healthy space for appreciating good food and other creature somforts, whether it is a spa retreat or an investigative report on alternative living or homesteads. I am fascinated by those that successfully live off the grid in America or elsewhere, and am convinced that they could contribute to better living models for many others. I have a literal and a virtual library in every homestead I lay my head to rest. I challenge communities to be literate at all ages, and provide access to inspiring and progressive materials in multiple languages.

I make time for my friends local and global. I am adept enough in the latest communication technology that I can Skype call my uncle in the rainforest and videochat my niece in NC, or my sister in Brasil. My friends also come and visit me wherever I am stationed, so that there is a more balanced desire for each of us to be in each other's lives. I am not intruding and they are not going out of their way. I am comfortable around their kids and become that fabled "aunt" that goes everywhere with strange stories. I may have a child, but I don't see it happening in the next five years, not with this narrative, anyway. I may find a mate along the way, but he would have to be within the same field or frame of mind, doing something I aspire to do or am already capable of. I don't need to measure up to my mate, and he doesn't need to reign me in like an errant possession. My family will have come to terms to the roving in my spirit and my footsteps and those who would support and encourage me will look forward to my triumphant returns (and give me their numbers for the occasional late-night time zone phonecall!)

Day 12: Ideal Life Narrative

Day 11: Dear Lizard Brain...

Whoa this day was made for me!
Nice to know I'm not the only one fighting strange reptiles day in and day out... although that might just be the codeine talking...

Dear Lizard Brain,

What is your deal? You are making me a crazy person with the chorus of "no"!. My prime directive is to sing, teach, to write and to fly, and you insist on rubbing your sluggish scales across me! I am gifted these days of recovery to reflect and to catch up, but you would have me squander this time, fighting the painkiller fog, instead up at the crack of dawn to beat myself into a plan of action. All you want to do is gripe about expense! Dammit, I will sell this shit that is cramping my life, I will find a side gig, or a permanent transition, SO HELP ME!

I felt discouraged when barely anyone showed up to my backyard sale last Saturday, even though I called people, texted, made a facebook event page, even posted on craigslist! But I will do it again. I will not ne bogged down, I will push forward!

I am not going to give you the satisfaction of having me wallow in my stuff, hot and bothered and unfulfilled.

No way, no how!
Day 11: Write a Letter to Your Lizard Brain

Day 9: Do One Thing...

One thing, like the One Ring to Rule Them All. The one thing that always freezes me in fear and indecision, not knowing where to start for fear of looking like an ignoramus; a chorus of no, not enough in my ears like moqsuitoes draining my positive energy.

Something you've been procrastinating on for a long time
Something that inspires you
Something that terrifies you

Handling my $$, or my virtual market value perception of my $$, anyway... I can't afford investment advice, and reading all the books in the world doesn't spell it out enough in plain English!

It just looks like it's dwindling away and not growing, and why should I keep putting my hard-earned pennies into something whos eflame is barely keeping me warm???

HELP!

Okay breathe.... I called the Brokerage Firm, I played dumb and had them explain to me yet again why I should keep my moderate growth account open and not roll into a ROTH IRA, but actually POUR MORE $$ into this little nest egg.... am I crazy?! Can I really afford this commitment? How do I even know if I'm diversifying enough (what the HELL is diverse, anway?)? What difference is this from life insurance which I cashed in when I was unemployed anyway? Where are the websites or people willing to guide me through these hurdles like the Master's Degree Artistic Baby that I am?!?

Are there greener, more socially rewarding versions of the Brokerage Firm that I could feel proud of lending my $$ to?

There is just too much information and not enough at the same time, but I'm 30 and I'm not going to be a poor landless spinster, dammit!


HELP!

Day 8: Reset, Reflect, Comment

The Day 7 challenge was fun, creating a colorful lifemap that helps to add a visual representation of all the areas of my life that are important to me, and how I want to affect positive change in each one. I realized that I do, indeed, want to incorporate more gardening and food-based workshops and activities in my life. Didn't quite get the spring/summer garden going like I wanted to, but there's still time to plan for fall!

I also identified the need to see my sister and my niece soon. I don't like that they are so far away and I don't get to hold Little A and have her stare at me with her unnervingly calm demeanor! She's singing and talking and I need to inject my auditory influence on her! It's a no-brainer that I need a new job, but what I really want is an apprenticeship (paid of course), something that I can foster a new skillset while developing confidence in a field or area of focused creative development. I am sick of these do-as-you're-told jobs that drain my spirit and my resolve to do better with myself.

Day 8: Reset Reflect, Connect...

The most important thing I learned about myself this week was that I do have resolve and will fight for my life!

My favorite exercise was the lifemap, as mentioned above. It added a visual element with the colors and pattern, which inspired more ideas in every category.

The exercise I struggled witht the most was the Personal Mission Statement. I still don't know if I did that one correctly... It was hard hard for me to put down such a serious-minded written commitment without feeling bound to it in all its deterministic contractual presentation. It's as if I don't have the right to write one if I don't have a clear enough picture of my mission, so it ends up being this ramble instead of a clear consice statement. I see that is something I will have to keep working on. Happy Black Woman Day 8

Day 6: Write a Personal Mission Statement

What is it about these statements that always makes me feel like a fraud? I try to see around them, to word them another way, to give myself an out in case I don't live up to what I've written down.... but I guess that would defeat the purpose. This new formula says Values + Values in Action = Personal Mission Statement.

Okay, so I kind of have my idea of what the short-term should be, but I always get flustered with the long-term.... how long into the future is long-term? In five years, evern if I want to own my own home and have paid off my credit card bill, does that mean I would have found the job that facilitates that goal? Am I just a perpetual nay-sayer of my own desires in life? Sometimes these questions really paralyze me into non-action! I just don't know which pile to start sorting out, where to start organizing. Should I start and stop or methodically do one thing then move on the the next after its completed? Multitasking is such a load of perfectionist tripe!

Like, how am I supposed to back out of a dead-end job that is my only meager source of income presently, turn my back on the dues for a new organization I got myself inducted into without really understanding the ramifications of, in an industry I don't see myself embracing? Do I have to run with every lead to see where it goes? Can't I just back away slowly from this?? Everyone always says, "well, you never know what connections you will make, blah blah, blah", all I have is a new bill in the mail I can't afford from an Institute that seems to have money-based events, no real help for me in my lowly low-level version of what their industry represents. I'm not even sure I'm living up to my swearing-in pledge when I'm at work!

Breathe....

My Mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find a way to marry my travel and learning interests with teaching and doing. That sounds vague... I strongly believe that education is a force to be reckoned with anywhere in the world, in this country. I don't necessarily know if I am cut out to be one of those selfless angel teachers, but I would like to think that I still have something to offer. I love languages, learning about, interpreting, translating, relaying meaning to others, bridging the foreign with the familiar. I want to be more comfortable with connecting the dots for people, for myself. There are many types of language; legal, academic, political, artistic. I will find one (or more than one) avenue to teach, to navigate and interpret for others.

I am on a mission to find a fulfilling work/life balance, where I can learn to be an interpreter for various languages in fields that uplift, inform and facilitate learning and positive action. I want to be able to be creative and innovative in my work, to the point where it's not even a job any more but something I can identify with. I can't identify with what I do to earn money presently. Administrative may sound safe, but its also binding in its capacity for innovation. I want a box that I can cut out a corner, or fold back and expand with my own wall, or better yet, my own window. I want to brainstorm with people that are ready to go out there and put theory to practice, or at least in the beginning, apprentice with such people that bring a lightness to one's frame of reference. I need to get out from under my debt, and I must challenge my level of comfort to find ways to do that. If I fear teaching to repay debt, I must find out why, and maybe find another way that isn't so jarring to my sense of accomplishment. I will focus on what I can do, what projects I will get involved in and see to the end, not be afraid of what seems to big, to emotionally expensive. I will search for a mentor, and in my search, find myself becoming a mentor.

I will not give up. Day 6: Personal Mission Statement

Day 4: Identify Your Values

Ok. I am up early, raring to go, I even took the time to write in the journal, go to the HBW blog, post my comment and read others! That is a lot before nine a.m.! Somehow I cannot see the fruits of my labor in the comment area, so I will just transcribe from my journal instead...

This list (lists, I LIVE by lists!) will be pared down to the top ten, but I just wrote freely as they came to me.

Being financially solvent, seeing myself, my mother and my sisters out of poverty and debt; travel the world, lessen my Western/American footprint in said world; meaningfulness; LOVE without domination; LOVE with accountability; good relationships/communication with my sisters, father, and (who am I kidding) Mom; healty living; no fear of my own authority and agency; my own home; independence; adventure; quiet solitude when I need/want it; a TRUE MATE; connection to and an understanding with nature; public service; strong friendships; published, successful writing; challengin my physical capacity; educating youth and those in crisis; learning and perfecting/being comfortable with/in another language; teaching English or whatever I can impart to others; own some land; fulfilling work and agendas.

And then, when I was reading other posted comments on HBW blog, two women mentioned sexuality. I was refreshed because a lot of the spirituality/God posts were prominent on the list, but I only noticed two instances of that particular line item. If that is not a stiriking commentary on where "we" place the importance of that aspect of ourselves, then I don't know what else to say.

I was heartened by it though, because I saw in myself how it passed my brain, but I self-edited and decided not to put "that" there. My good friend Sacred invited me to her end-of-year presentation/performance a week ago, and it is still resonating with me the vital connection to spiritual health many need to make in relation to the state of their sexuality. We all have so many issues to roll around with when it comes to with whom, when, how, why, and who else makes love. As I said on my mysteriously invisible comment on HBW, God made our flesh as well as our souls. So what are we then, if we ignore/deny/purge that essence of ourselves? Even the nuns and monks have a place for addressing and assessing their sexuality (or compartmentalization of it), I imagine....

Either way, I was very excited to create another list, and hold myself accountable by putting it in this medium.
Happy Black Woman Day 4: Identify Your Values

Love Letter Day 3: Dear Future Me...

Congrats on all your progress you made thus far!
You can truly say that now you have more to be thankful for in every area of your life. You have taken up the gauntlet, and flexed your arm to learn its weight, now you are becoming keen on swinging it to your greatest capacity. Aim high and well, my dear!

In Lifestyle: I love how you have made the decision to separate yourself from the stuff that has cloaked you these long years, that you can step away from it and its claim on your identity.
In Work: I love how you are not staying stuck, that you are drumming up a more determined spirit in what you do now, while simultaneously reaching far and wide to purpose your next move.
In Education: I love that you are willing to take the challenge to learn another language, and take on another certification process, and that you are taking protracted steps to inform yourself about great opportunities in learning, teaching and doing!
In Finances: I love that you see where you need to improve and that you have made significant effort to stay solvent. Keep looking for opportunities to save, to earn and to reconcile! Don't let fear and despair drain your pocketbook!
In Health: I love that you make a great effort to excercise, and seek out programs and friends that support a healthy balanced lifestyle. I applaud your self-awareness in your quest for a stress-free healthy lifestyle and look forward to more happy discoveries on this journey.
In Family: I love that even when you feel aggravated by Mom, you find a small way to apologize for the sharp tongue, that you choose wisely when to not say and when to say something, and that you can recognize your relations as fallible human beings, for it is this that allows them to recognize your own fallibility.
In Relationships: I love that you are bravely living as a single woman, fearlessly taking many steps alone and warming your own shoulders with your own loving arms. Keep doing that. And don't forget to enjoy Joan Anderson's A Weekend to Change Your Life, since it shares great insights and arguments for a time for solitude.

Indeed, your life is so much better now and it's all because of your hard work. Keep it up, girl!

Love,

DelaMae